To join the throng, HAPPY NEW YEAR! It is truly amazing how fast time is flying by. Especially the fact that my little girl is 11 months old today and in a few short weeks we'll be planing her first birthday. I'm not quite ready for that to happen. She is growing so much each and every day. She loves all food, though only if she gets to feed herself. She is on the cusp of walking and climbs the stairs like a pro which equates to me chasing after her all day. Her favorite cupboard is my pyrex cupboard though I'm certain I've never actually showed her which cupboard it was. She lights up with a huge smile at the silliest things and tends to know when I need a snuggle or kiss. Although it usually it followed up with a hair pull or her trying to rip off my nose. It's like "I love you Momma, buuuuut remember who is in charge here."
I, like many others, was ready for 2018 to be a year to remember. To dust off the remainders of 2017 and enter 2018 ready to take charge and make it the best year ever. This was further fueled by my doctors appointment December 8th. My doctor said things were going well and if things continued this way, we could possibly stop treatment June of this year. I was over the moon. I knew I could make it another 6 months and then be done. I had a renewed determination like most of us do when things start going our way. I recently had found a chiropractor that is fairly confident he can help with my headaches. Turns out my spine is quite out of alignment and he can fix it. Everything seemed to be coming up Taylor.
Like many things in life, when we get too over exuberant, the universe tells us to calm down. I have had my port now for 3 months. Last Tuesday when I had the needle changed, it started leaking that night. No, this is not normal. I had to de-access and wait till the next day to get more supplies. When I woke up Wednesday, I realized where the medication had spilled and touched my skin, it gave me a chemical burn. It was very painful. Imagine a really bad sunburn when it is tingly and hurts to touch. The nurse was able to put gauze over the burn so that the new dressing wouldn't touch my poor skin. Then, I woke up on Thursday. Little did I know, my life was about to be flipped upside down again. (Thanks Fresh Prince) I have been doing treatment for 8 months now. I have had 7 negative test results for the bacteria and we were heading down a lovely road. December 28th I woke up and saw on my phone I had a new test result on my health care page. I put my password in and what popped up filled my soul with dread. The bacteria I had been so diligently fighting the last 8 month came back positive on my test result. This means the last 7 months of PICC line scars, hearing loss, tinnitus, loss of appetite, and decreased energy has meant nothing. I have to have negative results for at least 12 months. This means I can't stop my meds until at least January of 2019. I was filled with despair and questions. I have to have my test sample sent to another hospital to see if the meds are even still working, and if they're not, I honestly don't know what will happen.
At this moment in time I was extremely grateful I have been on an antidepressant for the last month and a half. It didn't diminish the severity of the situation, but helped me to stay level and not wind up in a heap on the floor unable to continue on. I am grateful for meds that can help combat the chemical imbalance. At first I didn't want anyone to know I was taking antidepressants. I was "too strong for that" "I can handle it" and my personal favorite "I'll just get through it". After a month of breaking down every day and feeling like there was no point in fighting anymore, I called my social worker and told her what was going on. We decided to try meds and I just didn't care anymore. I was ready for whatever they wanted to do. I was questioning my faith. Wondering how terrible things can happen to good people. (Well, I try to be a good person... it could be debatable at times I guess.)
6 weeks later, I am finding myself again. I can laugh, I can find joy, and I can feel despair without losing all sense of reason.
Lately when talking to others, I'll ask how they are and they'll respond with whats going on and usually a trial they are dealing with. That is usually followed by, but it's nothing compared to what you're going through. Though this statement is true, I never have thought that when talking to someone. (Ok, maybe I thought it when the lady in front of my at the store was complaining because they were putting a limit on how many oranges we could buy when they were 6lbs for $1. Hence the TRYING part on being a good person) I want you to know, whoever reads this, even if it's just me reminding myself later that I can get through this, I am here. I know what it's like to feel like everything is falling apart and that you have no control. I am not one to judge or belittle your problems. We are all in this together (thank you High School Musical for ruining that sentence) and only with one another will we have any chance at making it through the crappy times to find the good. Take time to smile at the people you pass today. Reach out to someone who has been on your mind. Don't let our personal problems stop us from expressing our humanity and showing kindness to others. Happy new year. Here's to seeing you all in 2019, hopefully tubeless at some point. *clink*
