My New Constant Companion

  As I begin writing this it is currently 4:30 am. Why aren't I sleeping you may ask? Well I find it hard to sleep in a hospital. Don't let me jump the gun though. Let's start at the beginning.
  I have doctors appointments every 3 months for cystic fibrosis.  These appointments last about 3-4 hours because I meet with an entire team of people whose only goal is to keep me alive and healthy. The end of March was my most current one. I was on a baby high and had a new mother glow. Things went smoothly. My pulmonary function tests (think lung measurement test) were up which is great, I was feeling pretty good considering I was 2 months postpartum, and I left feeling hopeful. 2 weeks after that life turned upside down. (Think Fresh Prince theme song but without the fight)
  I got news that a new strain of bacteria had popped up on my test results. I always have 2 different types of bacteria in my lungs, but this 3rd one was very serious and very scary. More tests were needed to confirm what we were hoping was a fluke. Fast forward 3ish weeks. The test results sadly came back not in our favor. This certain bacteria is common in the world around us and people with a functioning immune system easily pass it through their system, but with my severely compromised immune system, it decided to move in and sign a 2 year lease.
  I started having symptoms that this bacteria had set up camp and was making itself quite comfortable. The ball started rolling to get me an appointment with the doctor as soon as possible. Then the next hairpin turn came up. I woke up Thursday morning coughing A LOT. I realized there was a metallic taste in my mouth when I coughed. I realized that I was coughing up blood mixed with my sputum. As you can imagine I was terrified. This had never happened to me before. I called the doctor immediately and like a good wife  (state farm is there) (oh the joys of a 4am brain) text my husband to call me, because news like this should not be read over a little screen. Of course doctors were concerned and plans were made to see them the next day.
  Let's pause at this moment in time. I was terrified out of my mind. I no longer had just myself to think about. I have an incredible husband and an amazing baby girl to take care of. What was going to happen to us? As the cascade of questions began forming, none of which I could answer, the self doubt and guilt began also. Second guessing choices I'd made and things that were completely out of my control I blamed myself for. When life gets tough, I tend to retreat inside my shell to wait out the storm, a storm I soon found out would last about 18-24 months.

  So after a long but informative appointment, here we are. My little family camped out in a hospital room that is 10 steps from window to door. I have a PIC line (a fancy iv inserted between my elbow and shoulder) that will remain there for 3-6 months. I'm on continuous iv antibiotics and oral antibiotics to hopefully hit the ground running on treating my unwelcome friend. After correct dosage is figured out, I can then continue treatment at home with an in home nurse coming weekly.
  Am I still scared? Yes
  Do I know what the next 2 years will be like? I've prepared for most likely the hardest 2 years of my life as treatment is very taxing on all aspects of life.
Am I frustrated? Absolutely
Is my faith growing? Honestly, not yet.
Am I blessed? Beyond measure.

Something like this brings out the best and worst in people. (I say worst meaning myself.) The amount of love and support that has poured in is incredible. Being scared makes me a little harsh and too quick to misinterpret things that are said, but even then, people tend not to give up on you. Love is funny that way. I am not feeling strong, but know somewhere deep down I am. I'm not feeling upbeat, but soon I will.
As you're reading this you may be thinking "oh no I need to help her" (crazy I can read minds now) and the most helpful thing is good thoughts and prayers directed this way. With how large my family has become I can only imagine how many prayers have been said on my behalf, but I know they have helped because I'm still moving forward, one foot in front of the other.



The enlightening part about breaking down-once you've broken down, you can start to rebuild. Love you all. I wouldn't have made it this far without you.